I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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