so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
