I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
