Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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