Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
