I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
