no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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