I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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