WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
that is very illegal...i love you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
