if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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