Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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