Your dad touched me again.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
