Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize