I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
