dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
