i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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