u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
