So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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