I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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