We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
