Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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