She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
