I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
