my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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