Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
