I accidentally had phone sex last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sorry my hands just texted you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
