I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
