Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize