Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
