I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
