life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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