Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
