he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
