I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
