I'm so fucking centered right now
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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