i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
