Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
