I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
