apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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