I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
