My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
