They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize