The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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