I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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