My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
