There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
