at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She bit a glass in half.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
