I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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