i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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