The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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