glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
babies were throwing up all over the place
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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