my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
