I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
