John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
