so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
