I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
